This past week was definitely one of reflection. On Monday I heard some news that could not be confirmed nor denied. However, it brought out some serious emotions in me. All week I pondered “What am I doing with my life?”, “How is it possible that I was making more money prior to having a degree?”, “Is my Masters truly what I want to pursue?”, “Should I move away?”, “Do I love myself to fully accept love?”,”What kind of relationship is this?”,”What is going on with me?”, ” Do I know what I even want?”. So many questions and I could not come up with solid answers. This went on the whole week.
If you know me at all you know that once I want to do something I will do it. So I started to make moves. I sent out some emails, contacted people, and thought of Plan B. I am on a certain path right now which is neither bad or good but obviously not what I want if I’m looking for another route. What I really need to do is figure out where the hell I’m going so I can look at a Map and figure out the directions. I hope this makes sense and you all know where I’m going with this. Even though at the present time I do not have a definite answer of my destination or what truly makes me happy, I know what does not make me happy.
I do not enjoy fake friendships so I will not tolerate those at all. You are either my friend, were my friend, are an acquaintance, or someone I know ,use to know, or don’t know , PERIOD. I also do not like negativity. I myself can be very pessimistic but I am trying so hard to see the good and positive lessons in the negatives so having negative Nancy around is not okay with me. I appreciate constructive criticism and realist point of views, that is why I have the friends I have. Even though they are all realist they still aspire, have hopes dream, and are encouraging, yet real with me. Even if they tell me something I don’t want to hear they will come up with an alternate option which is so appreciated and does make me happy.
In relationships, I have no clue. I am a relationship gal by default. Yet, in the past 2 years I have not been able to really connect with anyone. I’ve been on a streak of mere potential suitors and casual dates. I thought that by not trying to pursue something solid I would be better off. I am not one to open up easily at all. I can be very private and not divulge the whole story. My experiences have led me to this conclusion. If, I do not love myself, I can not let anyone else love me either. Too REAL right? Indeed, because I had to be real with myself. I don’t let guys get too close to me and if I do I either regret it later or push them away. If I care about you I will always care, because I gave you a piece of me that I will never get back. I let you in. Who knows how many Chapters you may have read through or what Chapters you even read for that matter. Yet, I still let you have a glimpse of my story.
At the end of the week I sat down with my soulmate and best friend forever, to tell her about my reflection week. As we spoke over some rather large cocktails she expressed how happy she was that I’ve thought about all of this. I am still thinking of the answers but I know I don’t have to know all them right now. I don’t think we ever find solid answers because we constantly change, situations change, and LIFE CHANGES. So what if I may not have all the answers, I am still in a good place.