The Most Real Week Ever

This past week was definitely one of reflection. On Monday I heard some news that could not be confirmed nor denied. However, it brought out some serious emotions in me. All week I pondered “What am I doing with my life?”, “How is it possible that I was making more money prior to having a degree?”, “Is my Masters truly what I want to pursue?”, “Should I move away?”, “Do I love myself to fully accept love?”,”What kind of relationship is this?”,”What is going on with me?”, ” Do I know what I even want?”. So many questions and I could not come up with solid answers. This went on the whole week.

If you know me at all you know that once I want to do something I will do it. So I started to make moves. I sent out some emails, contacted people, and thought of Plan B. I am on a certain path right now which is neither bad or good but obviously not what I want if I’m looking for another route. What I really need to do is figure out where the hell I’m going so I can look at a Map and figure out the directions. I hope this makes sense and you all know where I’m going with this. Even though at the present time I do not have a definite answer of my destination or what truly makes me happy, I know what does not make me happy.

I do not enjoy fake friendships so I will not tolerate those at all. You are either my friend, were my friend, are an acquaintance, or someone I know ,use to know, or don’t know , PERIOD. I also do not like negativity. I myself can be very pessimistic but I am trying so hard to see the good and positive lessons in the negatives so having negative Nancy around is not okay with me. I appreciate constructive criticism and realist point of views, that is why I have the friends I have. Even though they are all realist they still aspire, have hopes dream, and are encouraging, yet real with me. Even if they tell me something I don’t want to hear they will come up with an alternate option which is so appreciated and does make me happy.

In relationships, I have no clue. I am a relationship gal by default. Yet, in the past 2 years I have not been able to really connect with anyone. I’ve been on a streak of mere potential suitors and casual dates. I thought that by not trying to pursue something solid I would be better off. I am not one to open up easily at all. I can be very private and not divulge the whole story. My experiences have led me to this conclusion. If, I do not love myself, I can not let anyone else love me either. Too REAL right? Indeed, because I had to be real with myself. I don’t let guys get too close to me and if I do I either regret it later or push them away. If I care about you I will always care, because I gave you a piece of me that I will never get back. I let you in. Who knows how many Chapters you may have read through or what Chapters you even read for that matter. Yet, I still let you have a glimpse of my story.

At the end of the week I sat down with my soulmate and best friend forever, to tell her about my reflection week. As we spoke over some rather large cocktails she expressed how happy she was that I’ve thought about all of this. I am still thinking of the answers but I know I don’t have to know all them right now. I don’t think we ever find solid answers because we constantly change,  situations change, and LIFE CHANGES. So what if I may not have all the answers, I am still in a good place.

New Perspective

Last weekend I attend my very first burn. As a “Virgin” I had no idea what to expect. I would inquire about the event from friends who previously attended but they would only tell me that I will know all about it when I get there. The first night was very much a blur. We arrived in the evening and set up our tent in the dark. I can remember going inside the tent and freaking out at the sight of a large mosquito. After setting up camp we ventured off to other camps or “wandered” as they refer it as . We ended up at a theme camp that everyone usually ends up at. The next morning I woke up with a complete hang over and no recollection of getting home that night. As the people at my camp recapped the night for me I was unsure of what the rest of the weekend would entail.

Day 2 was a little more lax. I wandered a bit in the day with my self declared “Virgin Husband” aka a fellow virgin at the camp who was just as lost and eagered as I was. We wandered off with our drinking cups and plates to check out all the camps at the Playa. I loved having him around. He felt more like a brother than a husband but it was more comical that way. That day a huge thunderstorm came and pretty much washed out the festivities for the night so we just hung out at our camp and took in any wanderers that stopped by. I went to bed early that night.

Day 3 and 4 both blend in my mind. I woke up to an incredibly hot tent both mornings. The weather was surprisingly beautiful out after the storm. The first thing we did was go to the tower on both days that oversees the whole Playa. It was an awesome sight. I ended up climbing that tower three times over the course of the trip.  On day 4 I remember sweating so much and yet feeling comfortable enough to walk around in short shorts and a sports bra. Even after 10 years of drum corp that requires 12 hr days in the blistering sun I rarely took off my shirt. This was when I knew a change was happening. Those days were pretty magical. We got tacos, tamales, and margaritas from a Mexican theme camp. We got a booty massage from another camp. One morning right after my shower I even attended Bachata lessons that were being held on the main stage. It totally made my day.

The BIG burn happened on night 3 and it was incredible. I remember my “Virgin Husband” back hugging me and holding me tight that night. We both felt the connection of being a part of something greater. That night was freezing. I recall waking up in the middle of the night and trying to put on practically every article of clothing I brought with me. The next morning there was frost on the tent but the day warmed up quickly. Sunday was a bit of a sad day. My “Virgin Husband” was leaving the Playa to go back to the real world but not before saying his goodbyes and being the very first person to gift me. That day I ended up meeting more people and be-friended a guy named Matt who ironically reminded me of my virgin husband . We got free iced coffee that day that was incredibly delicious and went to a hookah camp as we chilled out most of day. Sunday was it. That was the last burn. I remember having a fun night even though my best friend did have to pull me away from the fun. I can get a little persistent and stubborn to say the least when I’m inebriated. The next morning was packing day. We had to clean out by 12 pm. I received another gift that day that meant a lot to me. Everytime I look ar it, it makes me look forward to the next Playa. As we left our location with no trace of what happened “it” began to set in. The realization that I would return to the real world. A world full of stress,intolerance, and impatient people. At some point during the weekend I changed and totally changed my way of thinking.

To me, this life is not real life. The real world is not the real world. To me in the real world people play a role. The roles that society set upon us. The real world to me now was that weekend at the burn. To me that’s how life should be. A world where people are self reliant yet courteous and kind. A world where everyone is accepted and everyone is beautiful. A place where consent is respected and where selfish or cruel intentions are non existent behaviors. A place where there is no give and take just a give because everyone wants to help and share the human experience. A place where everyone is  praised and encouraged. A place of joy. I learned there is hope in humanity. I was utterly overwhelmed by realizing that a place like that can exist. That I was not born to live and work and die. I learned life doesn’t have to be full of suffering and struggle. I learned that people and the world itself can offer so much comfort. I absolutely cannot contain my excitement for the next burn. I learned how to love myself there and every bit of the world. I can’t wait to return home. To the “Real World” in my world.

26 and counting

As soon as I turned 26 this past summer I’ve been asking myself what do I really want to do with my life. What do I want to share with the world and what is my passion? This was not the first time I felt lost asking myself these questions. As part of Gen-Y I had the traditional quarter life crisis. My 25th birthday is when I actually began to think about these questions.  My year as a 25 year old was full of ups and downs. It was truly a learning experience and what really made want to try to be a better person at 26. Now it’s time to get a bit more personal.

I’ll never forget my last day as a 25 year old. I had my first meeting with my Psychiatrist. As he prescribed me my Anti-depressant, Sedatives, and Xanax he added a “Happy Birthday”at the end. The irony of it all. Little did I know that this major low point in my life was the start of the new me. The 26 year old me who is trying to find herself and making progress. I can happily say that two and a half months later I am better than I was at 25. I have a BS in Exercise Science and pursuing my MS. I am actively looking for a career that is rewarding and helps others. I am open to learning more, experiencing more, meeting more people, and expressing myself more. Most of all I am so much happier in every aspect of life. I look forward to life with an open mind and heart. Nothing is perfect and I have so much more to learn, do, and change but I don’t think this is a bad start. For all of you who feel lost  DO NOT feel that you are the only one. There are so many of us who are still lost including myself but all we can do is learn as much as we can from ourselves, from each other, and move forward. This may be my first post but it definitely won’t be my last.