Unorganized Birthday Blues and thoughts days later

ORIGINAL POST

Hey now friends.Welcome back. Ironically, every year around my birthday I seem to have these overwhelming feelings of unhappiness. I remember my 25th birthday as the saddest birthday of my life. I even documented my quarter life crisis that day. It wasn’t all bad. That year encouraged me to make changes in my life that have ultimately led me to this point which is better than ever, and yet… here I am, unhappy again. Is it normal to always want more? I’m not talking about greedily wanting more, like  love, attention, and money. I’m talking about more happiness, more fulfillment, more time for myself? Ever feel like you are spreading yourself so thin that you don’t have any time to do things you want to do? I’ve been feeling that way a lot recently.

When I see all that I have I feel terrible for complaining. I have a loving boyfriend who makes me happy. However, sometimes I think he can be a jerk and inconsiderate which makes me feel awful and I start to consider if I should even be with him. I also have my best friend of over 20 years. She is the ying to the yang. She makes me very happy. But sometimes I do think that being together may not bring out the best habits in each other. Don’t get me wrong. I love spending time with her but spending time with each other is an indulgence. When we are together we smoke too much, eat too much, drink too, binge, and truthfully all these things should be in moderation. But we don’t moderate. If anything we do more and more of it because we know that we won’t judge each other for doing those things. It’s really not healthy. Is it wrong to just want to stay home and read? That sounds so silly to say but sometimes I just want to be alone and read.

I hate one of my jobs. I’m sure they know. I wish my other job was full time but it is not. In the end, I know anything that is not making me happy I can change. If I don’t like my job change it. It’s that simple. But letting go of a partner or an amazing friend over something so small is ridiculous to me. But I’m not happy. What do I do? I’ve thought about packing up and never looking back, but I can’t not look back. The selfish person in me wants to move away start fresh. Maybe not even have friends or boyfriends and be all about me. I know that won’t bring me happiness either. What makes you happy? Are we always on this journey to finding happiness and once it’s found does it even last? Will we always want something more? Something that will bring us more happiness. Is this normal? So many questions but where are the answers?

UPDATE

Hey now friends. Originally, I was going to post the previous post before my birthday which was July 14th. However, I wasn’t sure if my feelings would change and they absolutely have. My birthday is not always a joyous occasion and I do not know why. I am never excited for my birthday. It actually makes me really sad. This year on my birthday my best friend took off 2 days to spend a long weekend with me. Even though we pretty much just stayed in, we had such bonding moments that reminded me why she is the YING to my Yang. I appreciate her more than ever and I am really glad my feelings changed from a few days prior. We can bring out the best in each other and we will.

On the relationship front I was feeling very confused about me and my boyfriend. At times he can make me feel so loved but also awful. To the point that I don’t want someone like that around especially with my emotion and mental health issues. Even on my birthday he didn’t text or call me and I just accepted it. When I mentioned it to a coworker they said “You need to get new friends because they DO NOT care about you”. This can’t be true. My boyfriend and I finally booked our first vacation alone as a couple and I was so excited. I could not wait to spend a week alone with him. Then suddenly he messages me today asking what my ” The Truth” post was about? I told him it was what I was feeling in the moment but he wanted to know exactly what it was about, so I reluctantly told him. I was reluctant because I knew he would be upset over nothing and he is. Now I’m upset because I think he doesn’t feel appreciated, desired, or valued, and that is not true.  I was taken back that he even read my blogs.Sigh. I just don’t even know what to do. I can easily say it is in the past it doesn’t matter anymore but I know it doesn’t feel that way to him. I care about him very much. I love him. People ask what if it was you and I said I wouldn’t dig up his past because its true. Why does it matter what happened in the past. I would not be with you if I still cared about someone else. My horoscope said it best today. A potent alignment of the moon and Pluto in your partnership house could intensify a key relationship today. Things may heat up quickly—and that includes every emotion from passion to anger. For a fleeting moment, your individuality might feel threatened by this intimacy, yet this person adds significant substance and security to your world. Isn’t that what you’ve been longing for, Crab? Don’t look this gift horse in the mouth. There is not much I can do except apologize, try to make it right, and hopefully maybe he can read this post and know how I am feeling so we can work this out.

Lastly, work related. I’m still in this weird place but I am working so I can’t complain. I’m hoping everything will work out. This vacation could not come at a better time. As always thanks for reading. I really appreciate those who take the time to read my posts. I know they are not much and I am not an incredible writer, but I really value any readers, opinions, and people that can relate. Have a great week everyone.

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